December 18, 2010

The Ugly Truth About Santa Claus

Tonight was girl's night. We realized something horrible about Santa Claus. I wrote a brief essay about it.


I have determined why Santa's cheeks are always red, why he is obese, why he thinks he can fit down chimneys, and why he is so jolly.

Santa is an alcoholic.

He has been drinking whiskey constantly on his midnight trips, which explains the red cheeks. Naturally, he has become addicted and started doing this all year long, which also explains why he has gotten so rotund. Since he's not in his right frame of mind when he's drinking, he thinks he can fit down the chimney. The jolly mood should explain itself.

Please, stop encouraging him.


Girls nights are interesting.

December 14, 2010

On winter.

This is a response to Erin's post about oh so lovely Michigan winters.

It is no secret that I cannot STAND winter. It's a family trait. "Snow" is a four-letter word. So, here are my top ten reasons why this is the worst season of all.

1) Schools around here don't cancel. It's because if they miss too many days, then they'll have to go into summer, but it gets ridiculous. And forget about any love from Western. I've heard horror stories where students are forced to drive over twenty miles in snowstorms just to get to class.

2) The snowplows never, ever plow through neighborhoods, at least here. They only get major roads and the frequently used sidestreets. Sooo the main roads can be perfectly fine, but you'll have to drive at like 5 MPH just to make it to the end of the street.

3) You have to wake up earlier to allow your car to warm up and defrost. Oh, and clearing off the snow is a pain.

4) And it's so cold. Not even the layers completely help.

5) Forget about taking the highway in the mornings if you don't have to... it's practically unusable.

6) I don't know about others, but the animals in this house go insane. My dog, I swear, has seasonal depression that kicks in around the end of October. You could try giving her all the attention in the world, but after two minutes, she'll be moping again. The cat gets downright homicidal. She wants to go outside, but she hates the cold. So if we let her out, she'll want to come back in two minutes later. And after she's been inside for a half hour, she'll try going outside through a different door. And if you don't let her out? She'll try to murder you. She is the reason I'm not a cat person.

7) The wind. The cold is hard enough to take without the wind.

8) My sneakers have great traction. But the snow soaks right through them.

9) IDIOT DRIVERS. They always test my patience, but it's worse in winter.

10) And when the ice isn't making driving troublesome, it's on the sidewalks and like, making walking troublesome! Same with slush. Plus slush makes everything ugly.

Spring is my favorite, personally.


Here are the critters when it isn't winter:
The cat